Before you go on, close your eyes and Remember. The Vibration. Of thriving. What does it feel, taste, zoom like? For me, it's very green, very childhood biking ten miles on candy missions, very awake and starry starry night.
Lots of you know I had a "dis-ease" of the auto immune system and my body would shut down in different ways that crippled my ability to eat or think or move. There was the initial shock of trying to make peace with this, and then a very sad part passed where I accepted it, not in a joyful, this is going on now but will pass kind of way, but in a "oh well, this is me, this is me now and I have to make do. I'm a sicky. I can't do what other people can do. I'm broke somewhere."
The story teller in me wishes I had some kind of mystical interaction to report where I saw the LIGHT, capitol all the letters, but sometimes miracles are so quiet that if we farted at the moment of their appearance we wouldn't hear them. Thank goodness I was not feeling gassy the morning I woke up not only with a 2 month long headache with a side of I'm gonna puke and I haven't even tried to eat something, but I also had this brand new acknowledgement: I wanted to thrive. Admitting this felt scary because it hurts to want what we don't believe we can have, and I started to get sad all over again.
It's a little like when a friend takes you out for a beer and they tell you they have been secretly in love with you for a decade and you realize you're gonna need something stronger than beer; I needed something stronger than wanting: I was going to have to decide to thrive, no. Fucking. Matter. What.
So I did. I decided to thrive.
At the time of the decision I had never heard of anyone curing themselves. I had major long running body discontent. I had begun to avoid mirrors and quietly dread getting old.
So the thought of thriving amidst such well curated fears felt well nigh impossible, still, I'd DECIDED and, as many of you know, my word is my bond. My mother taught to me make only as many promises as I could keep, under any condition, which is, like 19 in my whole life, but here was number twenty and I'd be damned if the first promise I broke was to myself.
Here's how it went down: next morning, I woke with a few new light feeling inspirations which I followed: hung up quotes about how committing to something brought magical unseeable stuff my way (It felt so so so so good to remember that! As I went through my day I'd pet the quote. It helped with the terrible vibration of doubt I had amassed from being sick for years. I was so FAMILIAR with that vibration. I'd walked around in doubt so long I didn't notice it, I had become my doubt. I profoundly doubted I could find thriving amidst such stuckness, which is true, so I just kept baby stepping my way out of stuckness) And I began to get a sense of how this decision was going to unfold. It was impossible for me to think or cure my way there, but I could follow each better feeling urge, fully acknowledging that it leads to the full thriving. Anything that felt relieving and on-tracky was a go. I listened to Abraham talking about how my thinking determined the reality I experience. That felt nice. I'd had a lot of proof in my twenties about what my thoughts could, do including a few very important experiences that were so obviously products of my thinking that it helped dispel any doubt I had about the way reality was created. As I did a thought inventory I was almost ashamed of the poor quality of my thinking about my body temple, when I remembered that what we think we get I understood that me getting sick was an inevitablity of those out of control negative thoughts.
If I ever spoke to one of my daughters, just once, with the unkindness with which I spoke to myself about my body I'd feel guilty for a lifetime. How good to see that correlation! It helped me to nudge my beliefs upward. And it gave me a real focus for my attention. I am an A-class thinker! This big ol' brain o' mine can totally think better thoughts! Thinking is my wheelhouse.
So while it felt relieving and empowering to acknowledge that my outer reality matched EXACTLY the tone of my thoughts (duh, why do we forget this every other second of the day?) I still felt miles away from knowing what a mind and heart full of thriving thoughts and beliefs felt like. What did it feel like to wake up in a thriving body? What was it like to zoom around on a motorcycle chock full of the perception of thriving? How would it change what I could see in others?
I remembered that Jesus affected the "miracle" of healing people simply by focusing so completely on their thriving that in his absolute presence illness could not exist. He knew his own thriving so unrelentingly that he jumpstarted that belief in others simply by Being.
Gosh, that's sexy.
I didn't yet remember what Jesus knew of thriving, but I trusted, more and more, that my decision to thrive was carrying me there.
I still had a major gap: the symptoms of not thriving were still SO PRESENT and would send me spinning into despair because I was translating them as a sign of a bad vibration or me failing and so I decided to put a different filter on it, saying, "everything that happens is the fastest, bestist route to thriving, no matter how it may appear on the outside, it's The Best, most direct route to ThrivesVille." And then I'd engage the pain with that and it changed the pain. I would say, "bring it on" instead of "poor me! I am dying!" And that more confident less freaked out perspective elevated me even further and other, more gentle and more effective ways to respond to the symptoms appeared: I remembered EFT, often, I'd just nap, or step off the gas in some way and the pain would go away. That was fun to see. I WASN'T POWERLESS.
Around this time someone sent me an email about a new movie called Super Charged and I felt a little nervous about it. You know how you get kind of weary of trying of failing and so these fixy things just hurt your vibration more than they help? But I had this brand new, shaky and often slipping out of my hands little filter I was trying out that said, "everything that comes in is helping me get to thriving in the best and funnest way." So I watched the movie and cried with joy at the end because I felt so excited.
Excited because, as David Whyte's mother in his dream said, "ALL YOUR INTUITIONS ARE CORRECT." I felt like a crazed madwoman dancing triumphantly around her laptop. I'd been trying to figure out cold water immersion all my life! Some deep and rarely listened to part of myself JUST KNEW that it was a very good idea to go swim deeply and in the freezing heart way. I knew that we should breathe on purpose and with vigor. I knew that it was right to be barefoot, with boobs out to the sun as much as possible, and I knew that buying expensive glacial water that had been radiated on airplanes fifty times was a bad idea and waste of money and that you should find a local spring to drink fully from (also, metaphorically do this too)
As I realized all this, I suddenly didn't feel so far from the vibration of thriving because I'd located it IN ME, like finding the edge of a huge dinosaur bone after years of digging. I began to realize that my intuition and connected self had been trying to get my attention for years but that I had covered it up with my crazy agendas (mostly distilled down to: be sexy in the way the world wants so you can always have approval and feel safe) and now I could FEEL the pulse of that thriving urge, as steady as my heart beating, as clear as a night sky, and now I knew where I was going: I was going home, back to an innate and original view of thriving, second star to the right and straight on until morning kind of flying.
Now the funny thing is how quickly everything happens when you get that wind in your sails. Maybe it was because I was SO CRAZY BUTT COMMITTED to thriving that I went nutzo on it, going in the icy river every day, doing the breathing, stopping anything that stressed me out and looking for more ways to play and relax and love stuff, maybe I'd vibrated my way up past where sickness could live and where thriving becomes an inevitability. All I knew is that I was so happy in my journey toward thriving that I didn't really notice when the pain stopped happening or when the chronic nausea stopped. I have to wonder how long it would have taken me to realize I was cured if I hadn't accidently taken a huge bite of a sandwich (one of my former trigger foods). After two hours I still felt fine and so slowly, and with about nine thousand watts of child like glee I started testing out more foods until I realized I wasn't sick anymore.
Y'all. Y'ALL, I wasn't sick anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I was sick sick, once in a while I'd reach out to try to remember what profound wellness feels like and sometimes I'd find it, only in tiny slivers but now, now that I swim in it I can tell you, it feels ... FUN. God, so fun. I feel so available to every invitation life brings my way. I feel confident, timeless, and ZINGING. I feel SO FREAKING FREE. And generous and resourced. I have so much to give! I feel like me. I feel in the original way. I can't help but smile fondly as I remember my past, trembling and confused self that dared to have the hutzpah to decide to thrive in the face of impossible odds. Go baby go.