But Lord sometime the yesses I give in those spaces aren’t worth a poop by the time it comes to fulfill them.
I’m not entirely sure what happened there but we had a massive supper of various meats dipped in butter. And so that happened.
Of course I decided my best choice was to go on a long bike ride up the highest mountains on the East Coast. Shockingly, about a quarter of the way there felt quite sure I was going to die. Just keel over and resume my rightful place in the dance of rot and becoming.
But I really really wanted to see the world from the top that day so I powered through. And up there, with the clouds and gods and clear singing winds of infinity, I felt awesome, better than awesome and then I sailed on, approximately ten miles of downhill, flying sometimes forty miles an hour. At which point, awesome turned into feeling like the king of ALL THE WORLDS. Nothing could stop me, I was capable of all things and all things were capable of me (that last part doesn’t make a lick of sense but you get it, euphoria, invincibility, you are Braveheart, and you are all his men and, impossibly you’re also the blue face paint, all at the same time)
Part of why I decided to bike was in response to a mental struggle I was having. When I thought about the situation on the way up the mountain in my multiple-animal-flesh induced biking coma, I felt a thousand shades of hopeless. It seemed impossible.
Then on the way down, flying through sky and more beauty than I ever know what to do with, I turned my attention towards the thought again and this time felt so high and clear that I could barely remember what the heck I was supposed to get clear on.
Don’t decide things when you’re struggling or tripped out in bliss
Neither of them are all that useful to my life in which I collaborate and build things together with other humans every day of my life. I’m not often either despairing or so blissed out I that forget how to blink. Consequently, I don’t often make decisions when I’m going up or coming down a hill. Neither will I be able to easily line up with in my daily life.
(Sometimes I do it to give myself a nudge because I’m bored of my sludge. Like this 100 day prompt of sharing from the deep. I literally conceived of that during a motorcycle self-care parade to the top of the highest mountain on the east coast where we wrote and dreamed and dared and schemed together. But if I do it habitually, I find that I start breaking promises or backing out of things and the tenor of my wide spread and unthoughtful yesses leaves me feeling a bit thin and unloving to myself and it also dents the joyful trust I’ve developed with myself. And this culminates with shallow, anxious, undeep, unjoyful days and manifestations.)
Don’t clutter your canvas with unhell yes stuff
I’m specifically thinking about how too many unhellyes yesses will clutter my mental canvas, compel my attention, and keep me at an anxious vibration that’s far from the deep sweet space of clear engagement with life. Sometimes, when I’m feeling mathy, and it's decision time, I’ll check in percentage wise, “how much of a yes is this for me?” I find that things that are %100 yes transcend any emotional state. Ask me in my darkest hour of depression if I want to go fly a hot air balloon and I will be out the door before you finish your sentence.
But a partial yes, something that I’m only moderately interested in, only feels doable when I’m happy about everything and then everything seems really fun. Sometimes the math check reveals what about the thing IS a yes to me. It can be a pathway to discovering the real yes for me beyond an invitation. "No to the party, but yes, company and going out."
Recently I wrote about having a really marvelous time basically ignoring the eclipse and using the energy to create something new and wonderful. At first, I thought that doing a Big Eclipse Trip might be a yes, but when I peered closer, I realized that I just wanted to dance with the energy of it.
When everything is a no, you’ve got to bring the scales back to zero
If a true yes is the best portal to going deep, Meditation has become really important to my yes life. I don’t even think of it as meditation, I think of it as a way of clearing the sky during storm. If I can’t find a yes, or if I discover that I’m in a briar of no’s and shitty stupid unworking things, I’ll find a quiet spot, anywhere I can really, and just breathe back to center. I’ve kind of gotten addicted to how easily deep life gets when you cultivate space to hear a hell yes, and then resist the urge to clutter your life up with things that are meh or partial yesses, so you have the energy, time and space to greet the hell yes life knocking on your door.
These feel different, don’t they? If you hearken in your mind to a time when you really really really wanted to say yes to something, and did and then it went swimmingly and you were so satisfied and inspired, and clear vibrationally, so of course opportunities and new wondrous friends appeared as well.
Holding a kind of integrity around your yesses is one of the sexiest ways I know to go deep and to invite the world to meet you there.
love from the deep,