My decision to march to the beat of my own joy means less availability for stuff that makes me feel small. Or bored. Or boredsmall. Which is maybe my least favorite ever.
(he's so fun!) And to pretend I'd been dead for a long while. I asked him if the worms had got me yet. He said that wasn't the point. I told him coffee made me weirdly attracted to all details without any discernment whatsoever. He continued with the patience of Job, "Imagine you've been dead a long while, and you get to return to your life for a single day."
I sighed. Because holy shit, precious this precious unrelentingly precious life we get. I saw my children, the falling leaves, the way the river calls me from inside my cells. I heard my mama making espresso in the other room 10 states away and singing gospel.
And then my body sighed. And my head tipped forward to my chest for the space of a breath. I could feel the weight of things I'd made Big Deals upon my head. A crown of boulders. All the energy I'd been using to hold up that crown of Big Deal Boulders was EXHAUSTING and stressful as all get outs. My poor tiny human neck! And that effort was taking me about as far away from that very glad, resplendent awareness my friend was inviting me to as a person can get without being worm food.
Brene Brown, shame researcher, talks about how authenticity requires that we don't puff up, don't shrink down. My habit of puffing up problems in my mind creates anxiety cycles that preclude the possibility of deep reverent presence with anything or anyone. That habit just sets my limbic brain on fire and hurls me into fight or flight.
There really are no big deals, just the next bit of life, however it's presenting, and your next true step, however much presence and love you have to give to it.
When I take things Very Very Seriously, I pinch myself off and get so dense that I can't enter the Deeper conversation, never mind create and share from there.
I'm fairly certain, way down in my soulbone certainty area, that we literally came into physical existence to play. And to play life new, to play with the essential filaments so the creative matrix gets to wear a new starry cosmos dress every minute.
Everyday I rediscover the value of a playful attitude about the very fabric of existence: whether it "works out in the end" is a totally moot and arbitrary point if I actually am truly enjoying the ride (and not just pretending I am) That enjoyment and fully dialed-in participation with the growth IS the thing "working out" because it's where all the juice and fresh life force is!
Poet David Whyte says it best, "the soul doesn't care if you win or lose, the soul just cares, 'did you do it in your own way?'"
Today, may you find a way to answer "yes"