Right now, I sit down to write this post I've been secretly avoiding and I realize why (it's a really solid reason, these seven days of looking deeply at the aspects of trust has kicked my ass all over town) and today's is the hardest yet. First came Boundaries where I realized that I hid behind wishy washy boundaries and then quietly blamed and shoved away creating beautiful dramatic and lonely cycles. Then Reliability trounced in and revealed that I’d completely lost a bead, during my decade long plunge down the LOA rabbit hole, on what it feels like to feel reliable to someone else and to enjoy that trusty wusty feeling. Accountability happened on a day I accidentally took a healthy heaping of LSD and left a bunch of people in my acid wake, so, that was formative. Then came the day of the Vault, at which point I realized, I have betrayed most of the major confidences of my life, and usually with glee. Integrity was the day I could only wrote poems and Nonjudgement day was so full of judgement they nearly cancelled each other out, sigh..., in a small voice, onward?
Check out the next in this series on Braving or the one previousSo, why the hell am I doing this deep dive into trust?
Because it’s where the buzz is calling me and I can’t not go, and as painful as it is, it’s also useful as fuck and cathartic too. I've had about a gadzillion ahas this week as I dove into my current limiting beliefs around trust and closeness. oh, that's why that relationship ended... or, that's why we've stayed close and happy over time.
I now know that I can’t be ignorant and careless with trust and manifest well and that the same principles that apply to developing trust-full relationships with our intimates, applies to manifesting our dreams into reality and so these skills I’m (strongly thinking about) working on, play out across the board.
Today is Generosity, and to be honest, I am a smidge curious about what life might feel like to regularly generously assume the best of people. Scratch that, I am wildly thirsty-curious, uh, thirstious? to experience life as a person who has a generous heart.
I used to think that a generous-hearted person is a type of human, and now I know it’s an ability you can (let's be honest, probably SHOULD) cultivate. It’s the final letter in Brene Brown’s guidelines for cultivating trust, “You extend the most generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words, and actions of others.”
I know it’s not innate because I’ve lived rather fully on both sides of that line. As a child, I was very generous in what I assumed were others motives and secret inner lives. Everyone felt so grand and full of large goals and tender desires. I was so crushing out on the world when I was young. The whole world was my Daisy and I, her Great Gatsby, standing on the dock across the bay, secretly yearning to taste the deepest secrets of her love.
But as I’ve lived life, I’ve lost that easy access to feeling wonderment about humanity. and I struggle to really find it except with a few fully vetted people, and I freaking miss being easily in love with the whole world.
Pause ... sigh.
I really freaking miss it.
If I give it everything I've got, I can find in me the thread of feeling generous about my assumptions about others and their motives. It's small and rather unused, but I can find it. When I do, oh, what a medicine for my heart. I'm so quick to slip to blame, defensiveness, disappointment and dissatisfaction that there is literally no room for genuine generous assumptions about what someone else is doing or why.
But I think there needs to be, at least for me. I feel like my judging ungenerous mind has been off the leash too long, just indulging in harsh thinking about so many people, to the wild detriment of my overall vibration and the quality of my relationships.
And that stops now. Because, if this week as done anything, it’s turned the lights on in my trust house. And even if I shut the lights off, I still know where the couch is so I won’t trip over it. And I still know where the damn windows are so I can climb out and begin to love again.
If you've missed the previous post on Braving from a vibrational perspective, check it out